167

Gimlet vs Corkscrew

From

The Reading Club and Handy Speaker: Being Selections in Prose and Poetry, Serious,

Humorous, Pathetic, Patriotic, and Dramatic, for Readings and Recitations

edited by George

Melville Baker Published by Lee & Shepard, 1877:

A Connubial Controversy

The bolt on the back door had needed replacing for a long time, but it was only the

other night that Mr. Thornton had the presence of mind to buy a new one and take it

home. After supper he hunted up his tools, removed the old bolt, and measured the

location for the new one. He must bore some new holes, and Mrs. Thornton heard him

roaming around the kitchen and woodshed, slamming doors, pulling out drawers and

kicking the furniture around. She went to the head of the stairs and called.

‖

Richard do you want anything?

‖

―

Yes I do,

‖

he yelled back,

―

I want to know where

in Texas that corkscrew is.

‖

―

Corkscrew, Richard?

‖

―

Yes corkscrew, Richard! I've looked the house

over and can't find it.

‖

―

Why, we never had one Richard.

‖

―

Didn't, eh! We had a dozen of 'em in the last two

years, and I bought one not four weeks ago. It's

always the way when I want anything.

‖

―

But you must be out of your head, husband,

‖

she

said, as she descended the stairs.

―

We've kept

house seven years, and I never remember of seeing

you bring a corkscrew home.

‖

―

Oh, yes, I'm out of my head, I am,

‖

he grumbled as he pulled out the sewing machine

drawer, and turned over its contents.

―

Perhaps I better go to the lunatic asylum right

away.

‖

―

Well, Richard, I know that I have never seen a corkscrew in this house.

‖