154

ER visit is nothing to crow about

by Robert Kirby,

Salt Lake Tribune

columnist

My life is a chronicle of senseless injury. For half a century I have discovered the

stupidest methods of hurting myself. Heck, I once put myself in the hospital with

a penny.

I am less than pleased to announce that

this fool

‘

s errand continues. On Tuesday, I

checked into an urgent-care facility with a

pierced tongue that would not stop

bleeding.

This particular injury rated about a 5 on

the Loon-O-Meter, or slightly higher than

the time I hospitalized myself digging a

hole and just below another time when

the last thing I remember was Larry

Erdmann saying,

―

It

‘

s my turn to drive.

‖

Tuesday

‘

s injury had nothing to do with

being drunk, showing off or responding

to some brainless dare. All I did was eat

lunch, specifically a chicken sandwich at a

local restaurant.

OK, I was in a hurry and chewing like a hound dog. A sharp piece of chicken

bone or possibly an entire unprocessed beak stabbed me in the tongue and set off

the bleeding.

I have sent myself to the emergency room before because of lunch. Several years

ago, while making a toonerfish sandwich, I sliced my finger open and had to go

to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center.

While waiting for the doctor to sew me up, I perused a display of items the

emergency-room personnel had removed from human noses and ears, including

coins, live ammunition, beans, pasta, batteries, insects, toothbrushes, buttons and

a

corkscrew

.

This was the only trip to the hospital that ever made me feel good about myself.

Judging from the display, I was not the stupidest person on Earth. There were